ESPN Rides Aaron Rodgers for Seven Hours

Posted: November 15, 2011 by vongrapenstein in NFL, Pack It Up, Purple Pride

Stu Scott: And now, let’s discuss Adrian Pet NO! NO! We won’t be doing that. Continuing hour three of Aaron Rodgers Is More Than Likely Our Lord and Savior, let me ask you Trent, is Aaron Rodgers playing the position better than anyone you’ve ever seen, right now? EVER? And would you tongue-dart his fart-box?

Trent Dilfer: Stu, let me tell you, over these past 12 months, what Aaron Rodgers has done is spectacular and amazing and truly the work of an angel, or possibly some greater deity. He beats you in four ways: with mind-bullets, an ability to arm-wrestle that I haven’t seen since Montana, some pretty rad facial hair, and sweat that smells like Aqua Di Gio. Would I tongue-dart his fart-box? I’d pay money to tape myself tongue-dart his fart-box so I could watch it over and over again until the day I die, that’s how good he’s been this year.

Steve Young: Now, you know, there’s been a lot of great quarterback seasons and performances….but I have to agree with Trent! NOBODY IS BETTER OR HAS BEEN BETTER OR WILL BE BETTER THAN AARON RODGERS! I swear on the grave of my racist, polygamist, evil great-great-grandfather.

Cris Carter: Look, I hear people say Rodgers is on fire right now. He’s not. He’s just. This. Good. Alright? Will he ever have a bad game? NO. Will he die like the rest of us? NO. Will he survive the apocalypse along with the cockroaches? YES. And then he’ll fire a 50-yard rocket to them and win his 15th straight Super Bowl! (grabs TJ by the arm) AHAHah, ya know?!

Mike Ditka: Deeerrrrr, 1985, deeeerrrr.

(game starts)

Jon Gruden: fap fap fap fap fap fap AROD fap fap fap fap fap

(Rodgers throws a shit pass that Finley catches because he’s a monster compared to the tiny Vikings safety)

Ron Jaworski: Look at that pass! NO OTHER QUARTERBACK COULD’VE PUT THE BALL THERE! NONE! WOW! I am watching Michelangelo paint the Sistine Chapel right now, NO HYPERBOLE!

(Rodgers throws a quick pass to Nelson behind the line of scrimmage, then Nelson beats his defender at the line and breaks a tackle to get into the end zone)

Gruden: Look at Rodgers’ feet there! LOOK AT IT!1! Jesus, they just get me so fucking hard! I want to stroke my lips with his toes!  fap fap fap fap fap fap

(Rodgers dumps the ball off to Starks)

Jaworski: HOLY SHIT, I CAN’T EVEN COMPARE HIS GENIUS TO ANOTHER MORTAL!  Who else would have the vision, the moxie, the know-how to dump the ball off to an open running back when all his receivers are covered downfield?  JOHNNY UNITAS, EAT YOUR HEART OUT YOU WRINKLED CORPSE!

(Rodgers hands the ball to Grant for a one-yard gain)

Mike Tirico: The precision, the poise, the dignity, the unselfishness with which Rodgers handed that ball off. I don’t think I can hold off on this anymore: Aaron Rodgers is a better man than Dr. Martin Luther King.
Gruden: No doubt.
Jaworski: I didn’t even think that was a question.

(Rodgers is padding his stats in the fourth quarter of a blowout)

Gruden: LOOK AT THESE STATS!11 I can’t calculate them without some super-computer made by the government!1! fap fap fap fap fap fap fap

This has been “ESPN rides Aaron Rodgers for seven hours, as I contemplate why I watch football.”  Thank you.

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